though this one, is more nightmarish.
not totally nightmare, but the state i'm in after that was totally like i've had one.
it was something like an imaginary life i've had.
a few facts about this imaginary world:
-LITTLE abstract reference to my actual life.
-more of a manifestation of my current mental and emotional state.
-the residents are always from my actual life but their role and identity may change (example, my liltle bro could be my classmate but i can't recognize him as my bro in the dreams. i only recognize him after i am awake).
-none of them have any name. i give them name after i'm awake just for easy reference and plot-lining. (i might have called their names in there but i've never remembered any of them in any of my dreams.)
-things happened in the dream were almost unrelated to my my life.
too long, didn't read (it's not that long anyway, though i might add something later), random.
back to topic, i assume i was in my late secondary school life (form 4 to be exact).
it seems i had just enrolled, or i would say, re-enrolled.
and more of my former classmates* had also re-enrolled.
* we were chosen, or we had chosen to go through a special program where after we were done, we could have something like a secured future. these former classmates of mine, we never had any kind of contact before we went into the program.
there were flashbacks of what had happen that caused me to resign from the program.
rough circumstances. i can't really describe the flashback for this one but at this moment, i felt a great despair. felt like there were big obstacles ahead. i swear i could feel my real body stomach churned all the time the flashback run.
another flashback occur, i had been repeating the same part of the program because i keep failing their tests.
in this one, i felt suicidal. losing hope. giving up.
then the last flashback. people around me start to distance themselves from me.
or i could say i distance myself from them and ignore misinterpret their concerns as mocking.
i was upset, frightened, and alone.
i came back to my present mind. walk through the class, to my table. i remembered the teacher said my table has been assigned and there supposed to be a student file on it.
i walked around and can't find them and then, i saw ain.
i was about to ask her if she had seen my file when she burst out in laughter, handed me my file and showed me my table. next to her.
"apala you ni, takkan tak tau i"
weird. i've never known her (heck, i've just recently met her last year without even so much of an interaction, save a few bits of this and that) except for her name and some minor details but at that moment, i felt something like,
"haha. should have known."
i felt like i've known her for ages.
"kenapa you kat sini? keluar jugak?"
"a'ah"
"who else?"
and she mentioned and pointed at somebody else.
same thing, somebodies i've barely known but felt like i've been with them forever.
once i've seen and acknowledge their presence, i felt a little bit at ease.
feels like, "not only me i guess".
like, when you have a problem and you look around and asked people, "is it just me or blablablabla..."
"yep, this thing is fucking hard!"
"hey! same as me!"
something like that.
the class went on
**MID DISCUSSION INTERRUPTION**
dreams recalling is so hard when it involved with negative emotions.
so much harder.
why the fuck did i even bother?
**INTERRUPTION ENDS**
class went on and it was a lecture on some subject i've had for my previous program.
lecturer asked questions, no one raised hands, and pointed at me.
the question was really random and weird but i have the feeling that i know the question and answer them with something equally random.
"ya! *and the lecture goes on*"
at this time, a flashback occur.
it was back when i'm still in the program.
the lectures were so hard, i could barely understand anything.
the quizzes, exams, were much more so.
then i had a thought,
"tapi macam rugi plak bila fikir semua yang aku belajar dulu tak bleh guna sangat nanti..."
the regret, the guilt.
overwhelming, overbearing.
i woke up.
something unrelated, never drink coffee-oatmeal mix before sleep. you'll just end up waking straight into caffeine crash-
oh... now that explains a lot...
anyway, study for exam!
