i'm a total douche.
she actually really into me.
and very likely, so am i.
or am i?
uncertainties
mistrusts
doubts
insecurities
i'm pretty sure they have the same meaning, are they?
they do have some kind of a relation with a word.
relation...
relationship?
a word means one word, no?
they say one is a lonely number.
lonely...
loneliness?
fuck it!
i don't know what to write or even think anymore.
i don't even know how to make sense.
i'm just regret writing my last post.
well, not the whole post. just some points.
just saying i'm a insecure, jealous, dim-wit.
and it's either i'm lame at words and poetry or i'm just
i don't know...
i like her?
what is her deal?
well, i don't know what she is doing.
i don't know where or when to start. heck, i don't even know how did it start.
it's not particularly an infatuation or anything. eh, maybe it is. she has a cute face, sexy voice, and dat ass.
i admit it's not love. never meant to be serious. it never serious until it is.
i don't have something like having her in one of my family dream where i was playing with my dreamed daughter and she was peeking behind me, smiling at us, letting out a giggle or two.
though there were thoughts of having her by my side in a quite night, cuddling in a comfy blanket on a cozy sofa, watching the night cityline from somewhere up above in a penthouse.
we weren't doing anything particular. i don't think i even had a full boner, her in my arm.
we were just dozing off to some slow jazz from that old jukebox and the misty breeze seeping from the air conditioner.
in reality, we were having GREAT CHATS in facebook's little chatboxes.
yep. we don't even chat much in real life. not because i can't carry a conversation for shit (it's been a long way and still is but i do learn), we just didn't have the chance to. or she didn'twant to.
skyping is kinda out of the question. she's just not really up to it. phones too cause i'm a cheapskate.
like i've said, i admit i don't think this as something serious. we were just fooling around. that's all.
or at least that's what i've been trying to convince myself.
yes. i'm jealous.
i was just there sitting at the front with the cats that have been torturing my cat for a whole night.
the sad little thing didn't even have a bite or maybe a peek out of his hiding hole at the bottom of a fridge.
fuck that bitch! (the cat, i mean.)
i was sitting there, being tired and drowsy, wondering if i will ever get home with intact feet, carrying the damn bag of shit sands with a flimsy, flea-ridden backpack.
and then i heard something somewhat soothing.
it was SUPPOSED to be.
what made me raged like a fucking bear being thrown out of it's homey cave from a long, needed hibernation in a middle of a blizzard instead of crooking a smile was,
the voice came out of somebody else's phone.
i could hear the excitement I wish to hear.
i could see the smile I wish to see.
i could feel the enthusiasm I wish to feel.
with her. out of her sweet mouth. in front of her eyes.
NOT FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S PHONE.
FUCK
fuck
i literally screamed internally.
being a pathetic sad fuck i am, i just,
"weh korang, aku balik dulu la."
the fucker stayed on the phone with her.
didn't even pause to say "ha" or "k" even though the door was just a feet away.
but then, what's her deal?
i don't know anymore what to expect out of this.
i dont know anymore what to think of this.
a fling? a scandal?
what, i'm a mistress now? a third wheel? that dumbass?
what's up with giving out free pies and treating me the nectar of gods (aka mango strawberry mix) and even paying to get me there?
what's up with putting up with all those dirty jokes?
what's up with inviting me and only me (or is it?), to go with her to places?
i wouldn't be surprised if she bailed out last minute or it was just an elaborate joke.
or she's just like that and thinks i'm ok enough to trust me with it.
thinking about it more makes me even more depressed.
fine, here's the thing:
now act appropriately.
edit:
i'm still a sucker.
meh. fuck it. just ride it.
i don't know where or when to start. heck, i don't even know how did it start.
it's not particularly an infatuation or anything. eh, maybe it is. she has a cute face, sexy voice, and dat ass.
i admit it's not love. never meant to be serious. it never serious until it is.
i don't have something like having her in one of my family dream where i was playing with my dreamed daughter and she was peeking behind me, smiling at us, letting out a giggle or two.
though there were thoughts of having her by my side in a quite night, cuddling in a comfy blanket on a cozy sofa, watching the night cityline from somewhere up above in a penthouse.
we weren't doing anything particular. i don't think i even had a full boner, her in my arm.
we were just dozing off to some slow jazz from that old jukebox and the misty breeze seeping from the air conditioner.
in reality, we were having GREAT CHATS in facebook's little chatboxes.
yep. we don't even chat much in real life. not because i can't carry a conversation for shit (it's been a long way and still is but i do learn), we just didn't have the chance to. or she didn't
skyping is kinda out of the question. she's just not really up to it. phones too cause i'm a cheapskate.
like i've said, i admit i don't think this as something serious. we were just fooling around. that's all.
or at least that's what i've been trying to convince myself.
yes. i'm jealous.
i was just there sitting at the front with the cats that have been torturing my cat for a whole night.
the sad little thing didn't even have a bite or maybe a peek out of his hiding hole at the bottom of a fridge.
fuck that bitch! (the cat, i mean.)
i was sitting there, being tired and drowsy, wondering if i will ever get home with intact feet, carrying the damn bag of shit sands with a flimsy, flea-ridden backpack.
and then i heard something somewhat soothing.
it was SUPPOSED to be.
what made me raged like a fucking bear being thrown out of it's homey cave from a long, needed hibernation in a middle of a blizzard instead of crooking a smile was,
the voice came out of somebody else's phone.
i could hear the excitement I wish to hear.
i could see the smile I wish to see.
i could feel the enthusiasm I wish to feel.
with her. out of her sweet mouth. in front of her eyes.
NOT FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S PHONE.
FUCK
fuck
i literally screamed internally.
being a pathetic sad fuck i am, i just,
"weh korang, aku balik dulu la."
the fucker stayed on the phone with her.
didn't even pause to say "ha" or "k" even though the door was just a feet away.
but then, what's her deal?
i don't know anymore what to expect out of this.
i dont know anymore what to think of this.
a fling? a scandal?
what, i'm a mistress now? a third wheel? that dumbass?
what's up with giving out free pies and treating me the nectar of gods (aka mango strawberry mix) and even paying to get me there?
what's up with putting up with all those dirty jokes?
what's up with inviting me and only me (or is it?), to go with her to places?
i wouldn't be surprised if she bailed out last minute or it was just an elaborate joke.
or she's just like that and thinks i'm ok enough to trust me with it.
thinking about it more makes me even more depressed.
fine, here's the thing:
- it's a fling.
- i'm jealous.
- i'm a moron.
if that is going to happen, we're fucking.
now act appropriately.
edit:
i'm still a sucker.
meh. fuck it. just ride it.
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