sometimes, i would have this... urge... to force myself into someone's life.
the urge could go so strong, i actually start to plan how can i do that.
the plan could be so brilliant, it actually worked.
the plan worked flawlessly, the victim would be too dependent on me, emotionally at most.
but then again, after awhile, after i'm bored, i just lose interest and move on while totally ignoring the other party.
worse would be when the other party ignores me.
i am a sore loser.
and with almost luckless life, i end up being a really sore loser, loser. (not really good with taking revenge anyway.)
sometimes it makes me suicidal.
rarely homicidal.
though most of the time it's just plain, bad mood.
i start to withdraw myself from people.
i start to despise those around me.
despise those with a much more radiant, fun social life.
and yet i do not embrace those with the same fate as me but instead, use them as emotional leverage.
i end up alone, yet content.
when the interest sparks again, i end up lonely but craving.
and back to first step, the cycle continues on.
i know how to break the cycle but it just plain bothersome and too much work.
ok. actually, there are more than on way to do that and one of the least resistance and works would be ignoring people altogether.
changing how I view people is MUCH easier than changing how OTHER people view me.
the problem with this method is those other just won't go away by themselves and definitely won't ignore me.
means the cycle would reenact from time to time.
at least i am less sour the next day.
p.s: please stop taking pictures of me unless you could make me look good in one. thank you! ^_^*
don't go yet...
gonna make this entry before 12am!
i always have a problem with keeping in touch with my family.
hell. with anyone i would say. unless the person lives right next door (literally next door, as in, next room), they have a chance of being forgotten from 2-50 % (depending on frequency of meetings).
though the chance is highly decreased (max 20%) if the person is an attractive girl. (how/what/which is attractive is another subject i just don't feel like explaining. not yet.)
and the chance with fami-
FUCK THAT. who the fuck would forget their own family?
(unless the family is a one screwed up bunch, sucks to be you. :P)
i am maybe the kind of kid who would cease contacts for 4-6 weeks but i will never, ever do the indespicable. (i don't really know the right word, sorry.)
people like tanggang (if he ever exist) deserves to be turned into stones of whatever immortal, inanimate objects and be cursed for eternity. or whatever.
call me a wuss but i am the kind of guy who after talking to mom and dad over skype, i would keep logged in until up to 8 days or until my laptop shutdown, whichever comes first.
and thanks mom for not dissing me after i told you about today's exam.
and yet, i didn't greet her moms day.
hey! everyday is her special day. right?
tanggangnye aku...
i always have a problem with keeping in touch with my family.
hell. with anyone i would say. unless the person lives right next door (literally next door, as in, next room), they have a chance of being forgotten from 2-50 % (depending on frequency of meetings).
though the chance is highly decreased (max 20%) if the person is an attractive girl. (how/what/which is attractive is another subject i just don't feel like explaining. not yet.)
and the chance with fami-
FUCK THAT. who the fuck would forget their own family?
(unless the family is a one screwed up bunch, sucks to be you. :P)
i am maybe the kind of kid who would cease contacts for 4-6 weeks but i will never, ever do the indespicable. (i don't really know the right word, sorry.)
people like tanggang (if he ever exist) deserves to be turned into stones of whatever immortal, inanimate objects and be cursed for eternity. or whatever.
call me a wuss but i am the kind of guy who after talking to mom and dad over skype, i would keep logged in until up to 8 days or until my laptop shutdown, whichever comes first.
and thanks mom for not dissing me after i told you about today's exam.
and yet, i didn't greet her moms day.
hey! everyday is her special day. right?
tanggangnye aku...
do you know what i'll do when life just don't wanna go my way?
i shut down my moral and intelligence center and go for porn, violence and insanity.
my reality sensor would detect massive retardation and hunger and switch those two centers back on, eventually.
again, i screwed up my midterm. and i am sure 20% of the blame goes to the paper.
babi dia tak kluarkan satu pun head and neck anatomy question.
not even one!
punya la banyak problem ko letak kat midterm sebelum ni untuk muatkan semua jenis benda tapi time ni ko boleh tak letak.
sial. dah la aku baca tu je untuk anat. lecture pulak entah apa2.
one of those moments where life just really screwed you upside down that it made it like it's YOU who screwed up.
sorry mak, ayah...
my reality sensor would detect massive retardation and hunger and switch those two centers back on, eventually.
again, i screwed up my midterm. and i am sure 20% of the blame goes to the paper.
babi dia tak kluarkan satu pun head and neck anatomy question.
not even one!
punya la banyak problem ko letak kat midterm sebelum ni untuk muatkan semua jenis benda tapi time ni ko boleh tak letak.
sial. dah la aku baca tu je untuk anat. lecture pulak entah apa2.
one of those moments where life just really screwed you upside down that it made it like it's YOU who screwed up.
sorry mak, ayah...
memories
have you ever felt this kind of feeling where you feel so comfortable, so peaceful, so... nice that you just feel the world is perfect and should just fo into an infinite loop just so that feeling stay.
i've always crave that feeling.
since my childhood.
from my childhood.
this strange dream, although loads of weird things happened, it just seem so fitting.
they were not actually out of place at all. it just there and should be there.
been almost an hour since that and i still can feel it.
still crave it. it just make me want to stay there. forever.
hanging out with those imaginary friends, around that imaginary town.
we chat, we laughed, we watched and pondered as everything went pass by.
seems boring but it never.
and streetlamps!
especially those orange ones.
looking at them as we pass by each of them on a long stretch from a moving vehicles.
pleasantly distracting. ^^
three of them, each of them always take different faces taken from the people i've met.
one always take the one that always near me.
the other one always take the face of those who i had always hanging on to.
the last one is the one that had made me laugh.
though they take different faces, i always can recognize who is who.
it's really strange but... oh well.
then later we went back home.
always heard that parting is always tearful, saddening.
always brings along the i'll-miss-you and please-don't-go feeling.
always emotional.
but not when with them.
i always feel they are not going to leave me.
never abandoning me.
always there when i need them.
i part away from them reassured.
i know i'll meet them again somewhere in my next dream.
it just bothers me when we can't meet all 4 together.
everytime.
FUCK
I HATE REALITY FOR LEAKING ALL THESE MEMORIES AWAY WITH IT'S JUNKS AND CRAPS
EVERYTHING-
i just want to remember those bit of my childhood memories, that's all.
it's so hard to remember now.
i always try not to go anywhere after those dreams.
just sit and stare there. savoring every moment of it like last meals.
i've always crave that feeling.
since my childhood.
from my childhood.
this strange dream, although loads of weird things happened, it just seem so fitting.
they were not actually out of place at all. it just there and should be there.
been almost an hour since that and i still can feel it.
still crave it. it just make me want to stay there. forever.
hanging out with those imaginary friends, around that imaginary town.
we chat, we laughed, we watched and pondered as everything went pass by.
seems boring but it never.
and streetlamps!
especially those orange ones.
looking at them as we pass by each of them on a long stretch from a moving vehicles.
pleasantly distracting. ^^
three of them, each of them always take different faces taken from the people i've met.
one always take the one that always near me.
the other one always take the face of those who i had always hanging on to.
the last one is the one that had made me laugh.
though they take different faces, i always can recognize who is who.
it's really strange but... oh well.
then later we went back home.
always heard that parting is always tearful, saddening.
always brings along the i'll-miss-you and please-don't-go feeling.
always emotional.
but not when with them.
i always feel they are not going to leave me.
never abandoning me.
always there when i need them.
i part away from them reassured.
i know i'll meet them again somewhere in my next dream.
it just bothers me when we can't meet all 4 together.
everytime.
FUCK
I HATE REALITY FOR LEAKING ALL THESE MEMORIES AWAY WITH IT'S JUNKS AND CRAPS
EVERYTHING-
i just want to remember those bit of my childhood memories, that's all.
it's so hard to remember now.
i always try not to go anywhere after those dreams.
just sit and stare there. savoring every moment of it like last meals.
camera tau guna tak?
next time, i'm taking them myself.
and having those occasional short term amnesias are AWESOME!!!
it's like, at first i want to have some sandwich and when i opened the fridge, i was like,
"OMG WTF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111"
"somebody has made me a sandwich! thank you~~" *staring at the ceiling for 20 seconds, smiling.*
X3
and having those occasional short term amnesias are AWESOME!!!
it's like, at first i want to have some sandwich and when i opened the fridge, i was like,
"OMG WTF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111"
"somebody has made me a sandwich! thank you~~" *staring at the ceiling for 20 seconds, smiling.*
X3
"dad, im homosex"
fucking omeagle.
bored to death, i trolled everyone there.
yep. with title.
shit were so cash.
had fun. so many different people.
so many sick faggots too...
(got this idea from *rules number 1 & 2*. though it gets me wonder are those chatlogs even real? it was 'that' place anyway. for all i know, i've been trolled and all those are samefags samefagging.)
but one thing for sure, i suck at continuing any intelligent conversation.
it's all fine when trolling and talking crap but when it comes to subjects that need thinking, i would go with one liner.
they thought i'm a good listener. a wise observer.
hell. like i gave a damn.
i don't know if it was me or my education.
really need to socialize more but too much hassle....
bored to death, i trolled everyone there.
yep. with title.
shit were so cash.
had fun. so many different people.
so many sick faggots too...
(got this idea from *rules number 1 & 2*. though it gets me wonder are those chatlogs even real? it was 'that' place anyway. for all i know, i've been trolled and all those are samefags samefagging.)
but one thing for sure, i suck at continuing any intelligent conversation.
it's all fine when trolling and talking crap but when it comes to subjects that need thinking, i would go with one liner.
they thought i'm a good listener. a wise observer.
hell. like i gave a damn.
i don't know if it was me or my education.
really need to socialize more but too much hassle....
woah... where's the light switch?
i'm not a superstitious guy but still, i'm kinda afraid of the dark.
it's all about fear of the unknown.
ok fine. it does sound superstitious.
i always hear/read certain people who can see/sense these things.
naturally, i'm skeptical about that.
well, that's because i've never really had a true paranormal disturbance.
most of the time of those implied disturbance would be just my head playing around.
who the hell wouldn't get nerved by that oh-my-god-wtf-is-that!!!! stranded, red balloon after watching some weird floating head thriller (not really a horror movie as screamers are never a horror element but just cheap gimmicks), or whatever yet, it seem illogical for some... you get the idea.
between horror movies and games, movies always give the most scare factor.
why? because i can't do anything about anything happened to the protagonist while in games, i could easily lash out my anger and fear on the motherfucker with my epic crowbar/axe/rocket launcher/chainsaw/camera.
stupid directors purge the common sense out of their actors.
between survival horror and psychological horror, the former always give the most fun factor. mostly because i have great confidence in my physical abilities. put me in those zombies situations and i'll just pulp their heads away for the luls instead of fleeing. something goes wrong? god mode lol!
though guns or weapons with limited ammunition would be useless as i am always the trigger happy noob.
might even friendly fire.
between gore and mindfuck (the kind of element that not exactly depicts bodily destruction but rather plays with your sanity and mental realization), i fear more of the latter.
tl;dr, i admit i have a weak mind.
you can workout and training for brute force but i can't just dismiss illogical, not-making-sense kind of phenomenon like, "WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST DIE???!!!!!!!!!!*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP*" or "HOW DID YOU STICK TO THE CEILI- now where did he g- OMG MY BACK!!!!!1111".
it just doesn't make sense!
and stress does make me wandering off from my priorities.
like exams and assignments. (both are stresses and priorities.)
the actual exams and presentations are always the fun bit.
i just don't really like preparing for them.
always
so
many
obstacles.
suddenly everything is so interesting.
it's all about fear of the unknown.
ok fine. it does sound superstitious.
i always hear/read certain people who can see/sense these things.
naturally, i'm skeptical about that.
well, that's because i've never really had a true paranormal disturbance.
most of the time of those implied disturbance would be just my head playing around.
who the hell wouldn't get nerved by that oh-my-god-wtf-is-that!!!! stranded, red balloon after watching some weird floating head thriller (not really a horror movie as screamers are never a horror element but just cheap gimmicks), or whatever yet, it seem illogical for some... you get the idea.
between horror movies and games, movies always give the most scare factor.
why? because i can't do anything about anything happened to the protagonist while in games, i could easily lash out my anger and fear on the motherfucker with my epic crowbar/axe/rocket launcher/chainsaw/camera.
stupid directors purge the common sense out of their actors.
between survival horror and psychological horror, the former always give the most fun factor. mostly because i have great confidence in my physical abilities. put me in those zombies situations and i'll just pulp their heads away for the luls instead of fleeing. something goes wrong? god mode lol!
though guns or weapons with limited ammunition would be useless as i am always the trigger happy noob.
might even friendly fire.
between gore and mindfuck (the kind of element that not exactly depicts bodily destruction but rather plays with your sanity and mental realization), i fear more of the latter.
tl;dr, i admit i have a weak mind.
you can workout and training for brute force but i can't just dismiss illogical, not-making-sense kind of phenomenon like, "WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST DIE???!!!!!!!!!!*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP*" or "HOW DID YOU STICK TO THE CEILI- now where did he g- OMG MY BACK!!!!!1111".
it just doesn't make sense!
and stress does make me wandering off from my priorities.
like exams and assignments. (both are stresses and priorities.)
the actual exams and presentations are always the fun bit.
i just don't really like preparing for them.
always
so
many
obstacles.
suddenly everything is so interesting.
i'm not going mad.
okay.
all those schizo-bullshit.
it was all me all along.
i'm not.
seriously!
XD. sounds like cracked, right?
all because of bad habits.
thanks to surfing /x/ all day long and reading "dream and insanity" section of creepypasta.com.
playing psycho mindfuck games.
listening to slow, despair-radiating songs all night.
dark room
nightmares
weird dreams
weird nights
sleepless nights
night
FUUUUUUU-
i need help!
kidding lol!
shit. can't make up my mind.
maybe i should just ignore these-
oh. lectures. gotta go.
(it's the caffeine. again. fucking caffeine. stop twitching, hands! should have learn...)
all those schizo-bullshit.
it was all me all along.
i'm not.
seriously!
XD. sounds like cracked, right?
all because of bad habits.
thanks to surfing /x/ all day long and reading "dream and insanity" section of creepypasta.com.
playing psycho mindfuck games.
listening to slow, despair-radiating songs all night.
dark room
nightmares
weird dreams
weird nights
sleepless nights
night
FUUUUUUU-
i need help!
kidding lol!
shit. can't make up my mind.
maybe i should just ignore these-
oh. lectures. gotta go.
(it's the caffeine. again. fucking caffeine. stop twitching, hands! should have learn...)
so bright~~
for the first time in 9 months, i had a bright night.
feels good to have a night study with so much light.
imagine reading books with only dim lights coming from a lappy.
and caffeine does numb my expression center.
feels good to have a night study with so much light.
imagine reading books with only dim lights coming from a lappy.
and caffeine does numb my expression center.
Schizophrenic
always wondered if i'm one.
i don't know...
reality perception is always subjective, no?
i do have problems with certain senses.
for example, food.
i don't really like eating durians.
they always taste, weird.
and i KNOW it wasn't about THAT kind of taste.
i mean, the physiological taste. not the psychological one.
ok. i'll explain.
durian taste weird. in a wicked kind of way. it taste like something so unnatural.
taste chemicals.
biohazard shit.
and i do know how the real one taste like. or atleast, how it should be.
i don't have problem with artificial flavorings though.
yep. that cheap-looking durian taste snacks. that's how i learnt how a durian supposed to taste like.
"No way. durian? jangan harap aku nak mak- *ummmf!!!! blea-*. macam sedap... NO SHIT.... LAIN GILE!!"
the same goes to prawn.
i also wouldn't mind if i born with these shit. thing is, it keeps changing!
no. the list still growing. RANDOMLY.
ok. that is just an exaggeration. right now it's only durian, longan, prawn and some shit i would never get my hands on anyway.
but it still fills me with great despair just thinking i wouldn't get to taste this same thing ever again.
ever listen to your collections of musics and suddenly,
"hey, that sounds awful. why do i have this?"
after a little bit of bothersome, nagging nostalgic flashing back, you thought,
"wait. this song isn't supposed to sound like this..."
well, have you?
i have.
ok, you can always say, "oh, you just having a really bad memory, that's all."
then try this.
out of some really bad coincidence, this thing happened on one of my favorite tune. you know, the kind where you would listen to for 2 straight weeks without ever getting bored of it.
can't remember how many nights was it but the tune just made me go, "WHAT THE HELL?!!"
and now it made me wonder, does my voice has always sound like this?
i don't know how to prove this one.
can't recall the first time this weird shit affect my listening but it really made so want to have a music player that plays music right into my head and imprint those inside so-
thank god this one rarely happens. or if i forgot, thank god for that too.
and just now i realized it start to affect my smells. (to be frank, i think "-realized it DO affect-" sounds more like it. who knows?)
you walk through a hallway infested with catowners (and their cats and the litterboxes).
neighbors complained of the litter smells.
i smelled cheese. (parmesan to be exact.)
you enter a ward full of ill patients.
friends shut their nose complaining a whiff of pus odor.
me? i smelled nutella.
i do have the thought of checking this with a doctor but i don't know if i would be referred to a neurologist or a psychiatrist.
having a psychiatrist as a friend is always interesting and fun and all but having them as my doctor just make me shudder.
i just hope it doesn't affect my sight.
i don't know...
reality perception is always subjective, no?
i do have problems with certain senses.
for example, food.
i don't really like eating durians.
they always taste, weird.
and i KNOW it wasn't about THAT kind of taste.
i mean, the physiological taste. not the psychological one.
ok. i'll explain.
durian taste weird. in a wicked kind of way. it taste like something so unnatural.
taste chemicals.
biohazard shit.
and i do know how the real one taste like. or atleast, how it should be.
i don't have problem with artificial flavorings though.
yep. that cheap-looking durian taste snacks. that's how i learnt how a durian supposed to taste like.
"No way. durian? jangan harap aku nak mak- *ummmf!!!! blea-*. macam sedap... NO SHIT.... LAIN GILE!!"
the same goes to prawn.
i also wouldn't mind if i born with these shit. thing is, it keeps changing!
no. the list still growing. RANDOMLY.
ok. that is just an exaggeration. right now it's only durian, longan, prawn and some shit i would never get my hands on anyway.
but it still fills me with great despair just thinking i wouldn't get to taste this same thing ever again.
ever listen to your collections of musics and suddenly,
"hey, that sounds awful. why do i have this?"
after a little bit of bothersome, nagging nostalgic flashing back, you thought,
"wait. this song isn't supposed to sound like this..."
well, have you?
i have.
ok, you can always say, "oh, you just having a really bad memory, that's all."
then try this.
out of some really bad coincidence, this thing happened on one of my favorite tune. you know, the kind where you would listen to for 2 straight weeks without ever getting bored of it.
can't remember how many nights was it but the tune just made me go, "WHAT THE HELL?!!"
and now it made me wonder, does my voice has always sound like this?
i don't know how to prove this one.
can't recall the first time this weird shit affect my listening but it really made so want to have a music player that plays music right into my head and imprint those inside so-
thank god this one rarely happens. or if i forgot, thank god for that too.
and just now i realized it start to affect my smells. (to be frank, i think "-realized it DO affect-" sounds more like it. who knows?)
you walk through a hallway infested with catowners (and their cats and the litterboxes).
neighbors complained of the litter smells.
i smelled cheese. (parmesan to be exact.)
you enter a ward full of ill patients.
friends shut their nose complaining a whiff of pus odor.
me? i smelled nutella.
i do have the thought of checking this with a doctor but i don't know if i would be referred to a neurologist or a psychiatrist.
having a psychiatrist as a friend is always interesting and fun and all but having them as my doctor just make me shudder.
i just hope it doesn't affect my sight.
God. Please don't.
socially awkward zombie
i do have problem in expressing myself. blame it on 17 years of low self esteem.
i always hesitating when it comes to care about others and pouring my heart out.
i do want people to know what is in my thought but i tend to get picky in who would get to hear it.
want them to comment on it, judge it, give opinions but yet, i'm afraid of negative feedbacks.
yes.
i admit i do afraid of criticism.
that's why i stop updating my facebook status.
tend to disable commenting from time to time.
always the same paranoia.
caring others.
i've stopped doing that since4 years 7 years ago. (sry. i'm really bad with age counting.)
it's all because i wanted to better my self esteem.
i wanted to stop looking down at my own self.
then it came through,
"stop caring what other people think about you, baka."
someone told me.
i've tried but it was really hard when you were living in a place peer-pressure is... pressuring.
though not having that many friends does lessen the burden.
yet it was still hard.
over time my adolescent mind started to misinterpret the advise.
i chopped it down till it became this,
"stop caring others."
i find it much easier.
SO much easier.
initially, it was really an innocent misunderstanding.
i just ignore people.
i will be kind to those who were kind to me.
i leave them alone with their own problem.
none of my business.
yet the world isn't all about me.
some of them started to reject me.
by me, not my existence.
they don't really like my idea. it wasn't like i force it on them anyway.
i wouldn't mind if they too, ignore me. (see, i always believed that the world would treat me the i treat her. turns out it wasn't just me living in her.)
no. they forced me with theirs.
foreseeing a losing argument, i surrender.
bad news, i'm a sore loser. though i know better than to fight the world.
here is the mistake, i PRETEND to ACCEPT theirs and at the same time, despise them for it.
the irony!
all those pretendings have taught me to adapt. thanks to that, i can mix with people well.
getting socially involved, my self esteem rose.
so is my ego.
i learned to manipulate. i started to be a hypocrite.
now i rarely look down at myself, blaming all the time.
mission accomplished!
but there is a flaw. i'm still socially awkward.
remember how i don't care about others?
turns out it wasn't that that helped.
it was my good looks all the time.
explanation:
being adaptable does help in social situations.
but i realized, majority of my social interactions weren't initiated by me.
it were by curious people who were attracted either to my looks or my lone, mysterious presence.
or just through the responsibilities (classmate, coursemate, works, etc.) i picked up along the way.
and things explained by itself.
wow. that sure does relief my chest a lil bit. (and thank god for not shutting my laptop halfway.)
ok dia-chan. you must have been thinking,
why do i bother bring this up?
here goes,
"HOW THE HELL DO I APPROACH HER????!!!!!!"
who? KIRA la.
and yes. saje letak kat tag so whenever she ever tried google her name, this came out.
like she knows who am i anyway. :P
suddenly, i lose interes-
nevermind.
i always hesitating when it comes to care about others and pouring my heart out.
i do want people to know what is in my thought but i tend to get picky in who would get to hear it.
want them to comment on it, judge it, give opinions but yet, i'm afraid of negative feedbacks.
yes.
i admit i do afraid of criticism.
that's why i stop updating my facebook status.
tend to disable commenting from time to time.
always the same paranoia.
caring others.
i've stopped doing that since
it's all because i wanted to better my self esteem.
i wanted to stop looking down at my own self.
then it came through,
"stop caring what other people think about you, baka."
someone told me.
i've tried but it was really hard when you were living in a place peer-pressure is... pressuring.
though not having that many friends does lessen the burden.
yet it was still hard.
over time my adolescent mind started to misinterpret the advise.
i chopped it down till it became this,
"stop caring others."
i find it much easier.
SO much easier.
initially, it was really an innocent misunderstanding.
i just ignore people.
i will be kind to those who were kind to me.
i leave them alone with their own problem.
none of my business.
yet the world isn't all about me.
some of them started to reject me.
by me, not my existence.
they don't really like my idea. it wasn't like i force it on them anyway.
i wouldn't mind if they too, ignore me. (see, i always believed that the world would treat me the i treat her. turns out it wasn't just me living in her.)
no. they forced me with theirs.
foreseeing a losing argument, i surrender.
bad news, i'm a sore loser. though i know better than to fight the world.
here is the mistake, i PRETEND to ACCEPT theirs and at the same time, despise them for it.
the irony!
all those pretendings have taught me to adapt. thanks to that, i can mix with people well.
getting socially involved, my self esteem rose.
so is my ego.
i learned to manipulate. i started to be a hypocrite.
now i rarely look down at myself, blaming all the time.
mission accomplished!
but there is a flaw. i'm still socially awkward.
remember how i don't care about others?
turns out it wasn't that that helped.
it was my good looks all the time.
explanation:
being adaptable does help in social situations.
but i realized, majority of my social interactions weren't initiated by me.
it were by curious people who were attracted either to my looks or my lone, mysterious presence.
or just through the responsibilities (classmate, coursemate, works, etc.) i picked up along the way.
and things explained by itself.
wow. that sure does relief my chest a lil bit. (and thank god for not shutting my laptop halfway.)
ok dia-chan. you must have been thinking,
why do i bother bring this up?
here goes,
"HOW THE HELL DO I APPROACH HER????!!!!!!"
suddenly, i lose interes-
nevermind.
loneliness
you only feel lonely when you want company.
here is where distractions play their part.
i'll try listing down distractions that had got me in the past:
-games
-music
-internet
-movies
-novels
-a walk in the park
though all these does have their flaws.
one of the shared ones is some asshole elements like:
-having characters that act as some companions that is essential for plot lines. (come on. my level is already high enoug- yeayea... only she has the magic to open the gate blablabla...)
-when the song is about love or hate. (just focus on the meaning of life or the beauty of nature or just senseless chaos and destruction.)
-emofags and attention whores. (stop making me wanting to hurt you guys.)
-love themes.
*sigh*
just stare at the damn void or write a blog.
or do your friggin assignments.
here is where distractions play their part.
i'll try listing down distractions that had got me in the past:
-games
-music
-internet
-movies
-novels
-a walk in the park
*sigh*
just stare at the damn void or write a blog.
or do your friggin assignments.
musicians
had to admit, i do hate and despise videos of someone singing or performing.
but, i really LOVE to see and listen to a live performance regardless of the kind of musical performance or who they are.
that explains why i don't really have any music video even for the songs that i kept running in my nights and sleeps.
i also had to admit the cause of the hatred is jealousy.
it just because i feel like videos don't really show the true self or nature of the subject recorded.
weird though, it only applies for singings. not acting. (one of the whys of i hate bollywood movies.)
and instrumentals too. but where's the fun in watching a a virtual copy?
i really want to go to a live orchestra and not just some strings (though the one i''ve went here was quite nice) but the full blown one, along with all the strings and pipes and whatelse and whatnot.
and a lively maestro like the one in bibliotheca. (i want to make a reference to nodame's chiaki-sama but japanese always has a way to hyperbolic things.)
a conductor myself just now has shown that being one is super hard.
especially with CRAPPY hall, equipments (bloody mics!!!) and lack of time for practice (bloody mike!!!).
hell, we could do better and things could get much more enjoyable.
too bad i'm not an art student.
oh well. i do think i am more of an appreciator than an artist anyway.
critiques away!
on the other hand, really had to stop using "fuck"...
feel like i have been overusing it in quite a lot of occasions.
including in real life.
gonna use "bloody" instead of "fuck".
"bloody hell" instead of "what the fuck".
but, i really LOVE to see and listen to a live performance regardless of the kind of musical performance or who they are.
that explains why i don't really have any music video even for the songs that i kept running in my nights and sleeps.
i also had to admit the cause of the hatred is jealousy.
it just because i feel like videos don't really show the true self or nature of the subject recorded.
weird though, it only applies for singings. not acting. (one of the whys of i hate bollywood movies.)
and instrumentals too. but where's the fun in watching a a virtual copy?
i really want to go to a live orchestra and not just some strings (though the one i''ve went here was quite nice) but the full blown one, along with all the strings and pipes and whatelse and whatnot.
and a lively maestro like the one in bibliotheca. (i want to make a reference to nodame's chiaki-sama but japanese always has a way to hyperbolic things.)
a conductor myself just now has shown that being one is super hard.
especially with CRAPPY hall, equipments (bloody mics!!!) and lack of time for practice (bloody mike!!!).
hell, we could do better and things could get much more enjoyable.
too bad i'm not an art student.
oh well. i do think i am more of an appreciator than an artist anyway.
critiques away!
on the other hand, really had to stop using "fuck"...
feel like i have been overusing it in quite a lot of occasions.
including in real life.
gonna use "bloody" instead of "fuck".
"bloody hell" instead of "what the fuck".
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she can play guitar!111
she can sing!!!
she's also cute!1
she-
i-
we-
me-
THAT WAS DEFINITELY HER!!!!!!!1111111111111
fuck. i feel worthshit...
she can sing!!!
she's also cute!1
she-
i-
we-
me-
THAT WAS DEFINITELY HER!!!!!!!1111111111111
fuck. i feel worthshit...
uwaaaaaaa......
i've met wonderful peoples with great ideas.
they had entrusted me with these ideas so i could project these for them.
yet i have failed them.
and yet still, they always said, ""good job.""
it's fucking depressing.
i don't know who else to blame, these people who trusted me despite my obvious incapabilities or the ones who FUCKING SCREWED UP THE MICS. (of course i put half the blame on myself. T_T)
*sigh*
i really wish she could stay a little while longer...
thank god He created sleep.
they had entrusted me with these ideas so i could project these for them.
yet i have failed them.
and yet still, they always said, ""good job.""
it's fucking depressing.
i don't know who else to blame, these people who trusted me despite my obvious incapabilities or the ones who FUCKING SCREWED UP THE MICS. (of course i put half the blame on myself. T_T)
*sigh*
i really wish she could stay a little while longer...
thank god He created sleep.
crushes
life's just shown that i would always have a crush on a random attractive girl at least once per 3 month and at most thrice per same duration.
gaps between successive crushes could vary from an hour till a week.
but only one at a time though.
the trick is to pop up in my life at close proximity during those rare moments that could go from 7 hours till 4 days.
yes. THAT time. "tHe CrAvE". (^_^. looks like grave, ait?)
the victim for now?
codenamed KIRA.. (though i doubt the codenaming would actually hide her identity.)
and i just like it when suddenly, every text in here goes japanese.
fucking screwed up the language settings just so i can play some mindfuck h-game.
p.s: i admit i composed the post before thinking up the title.
gaps between successive crushes could vary from an hour till a week.
but only one at a time though.
the trick is to pop up in my life at close proximity during those rare moments that could go from 7 hours till 4 days.
yes. THAT time. "tHe CrAvE". (^_^. looks like grave, ait?)
the victim for now?
codenamed KIRA.. (though i doubt the codenaming would actually hide her identity.)
and i just like it when suddenly, every text in here goes japanese.
fucking screwed up the language settings just so i can play some mindfuck h-game.
p.s: i admit i composed the post before thinking up the title.
weird dream...
memang pelik gile...
i was in some guerrilla battalion. it was in a training camp.
i've met a friend. some stranger.
a weird one too.
i don't remember much detail of it but i'll list down things anyway.
i'll start with things that i don't remember but somehow are significant:
-his name.
-my squad mates.
-my sergeant.
-our mission.
-our cause.
-the country i was in.
-and some other minor details that keep nagging and bothering the hell outta me for not remembering them.
things that i do remember, or noticed:
-he is obsessed with his coffee pouch.
-a wicked yet nice sense of humor.
-we were best friends.
-the leader of our battalion looks like saruman.
-we were held out in an airport for bringing in suspicious objects.
-a scene where a girl was taking care of her friend in the shelter after a mission but her friend didn't make it. she died because of blood loss.
-there were minors in our battalion.
-they ride tricycles but wielded some sort of freakishly powerful toy gun.
-our headquarter look so familiar... oh. it's the subway in fallout 3.
-our last mission. mission accomplished but he was injured.
-blood was loss. a lot.
-i fed him but he kept vomiting foods back out, along with blood.
-he was really pale but can still joke it out.
-"wei. aku amik sket la ko nye kopi tu. ko nampak cam nak mampos je."
-"cuba la. aku kurung ko dalam locker aku pastu aku cucuk locker ngan batang besi panas pastu aku bagi ko makan-" and he goes on and on with threats, with difficulties.
-and later, he didn't fucking move. wake up dude...
-news on the radio. we have reached our objective. the civil war is over. we won.
-i don't really remember his face but i swear he smiled. RIP dude.
-somewhere before the last mission, our headquarter was captured.
-after we won, we did the final march towards our base.
-the kids were the firstline cavalry. fucking firstline!!! yet they busted through the tanks like they were cakes. fucking toy gun...
-and they have force fields. the kids.
-base recaptured.
-all units gathered, bebudak sekolah style. (vocab failed me again. it was like all people just gather there sitting around.)
-there were A LOT of people.
-we mourned our lost comrades.
-each squad representatives were called out.
-i gave a speech. it went smoothly and end beautifully. hell, along with some flashbacks too!
-we tributed a song. (the song was in some foreign language. sounds like jumbled up japanese. sounds like some military warsong mixed with a bit of nashid.)
and then i woke up.
.
.
.
.
.
damn i suck in telling stories.
i was in some guerrilla battalion. it was in a training camp.
i've met a friend. some stranger.
a weird one too.
i don't remember much detail of it but i'll list down things anyway.
i'll start with things that i don't remember but somehow are significant:
-his name.
-my squad mates.
-my sergeant.
-our mission.
-our cause.
-the country i was in.
-and some other minor details that keep nagging and bothering the hell outta me for not remembering them.
things that i do remember, or noticed:
-he is obsessed with his coffee pouch.
-a wicked yet nice sense of humor.
-we were best friends.
-the leader of our battalion looks like saruman.
-we were held out in an airport for bringing in suspicious objects.
-a scene where a girl was taking care of her friend in the shelter after a mission but her friend didn't make it. she died because of blood loss.
-there were minors in our battalion.
-they ride tricycles but wielded some sort of freakishly powerful toy gun.
-our headquarter look so familiar... oh. it's the subway in fallout 3.
-our last mission. mission accomplished but he was injured.
-blood was loss. a lot.
-i fed him but he kept vomiting foods back out, along with blood.
-he was really pale but can still joke it out.
-"wei. aku amik sket la ko nye kopi tu. ko nampak cam nak mampos je."
-"cuba la. aku kurung ko dalam locker aku pastu aku cucuk locker ngan batang besi panas pastu aku bagi ko makan-" and he goes on and on with threats, with difficulties.
-and later, he didn't fucking move. wake up dude...
-news on the radio. we have reached our objective. the civil war is over. we won.
-i don't really remember his face but i swear he smiled. RIP dude.
-somewhere before the last mission, our headquarter was captured.
-after we won, we did the final march towards our base.
-the kids were the firstline cavalry. fucking firstline!!! yet they busted through the tanks like they were cakes. fucking toy gun...
-and they have force fields. the kids.
-base recaptured.
-all units gathered, bebudak sekolah style. (vocab failed me again. it was like all people just gather there sitting around.)
-there were A LOT of people.
-we mourned our lost comrades.
-each squad representatives were called out.
-i gave a speech. it went smoothly and end beautifully. hell, along with some flashbacks too!
-we tributed a song. (the song was in some foreign language. sounds like jumbled up japanese. sounds like some military warsong mixed with a bit of nashid.)
and then i woke up.
.
.
.
.
.
damn i suck in telling stories.
now rantings aside...
to put this bluntly, i've always thought things could have gone in a much more elegant if i can only do this/that back then when blablablablablabla...
or something like, why the fuck did i do that back then? (or something like that)
or more like, why didn't i take the chan-
OH FUCK IT...
it's done already. move on.
get over it already...
at least, that's what i'm trying to tell ME.
"life sucks and i really think it couldn't get any worse than what it already is."
fucking MISTAKES there.
first, your(me) life is nothing near sucky.
it's just not the best, that's all. (what's so good about having the best, at all? foremost, define "best".)
second, it WILL get worse. so what?
.....ok.....that sure is not good.
but a mistake nonetheless. what is?
just by thinking about "couldn't get any worse".
stop expecting. (my vocab is a bit dull there, sorry.)
third,
"-what it already is."
what was THAT?
i mean, "already"?
what a life there dude. ditch it and get anothe-
oh wait. you CAN'T. (COULDN'T fit in better though.)
fuck. need some sleep. will continue this crap later.
or something like, why the fuck did i do that back then? (or something like that)
or more like, why didn't i take the chan-
OH FUCK IT...
it's done already. move on.
get over it already...
at least, that's what i'm trying to tell ME.
"life sucks and i really think it couldn't get any worse than what it already is."
fucking MISTAKES there.
first, your(me) life is nothing near sucky.
it's just not the best, that's all. (what's so good about having the best, at all? foremost, define "best".)
second, it WILL get worse. so what?
.....ok.....that sure is not good.
but a mistake nonetheless. what is?
just by thinking about "couldn't get any worse".
stop expecting. (my vocab is a bit dull there, sorry.)
third,
"-what it already is."
what was THAT?
i mean, "already"?
what a life there dude. ditch it and get anothe-
oh wait. you CAN'T. (COULDN'T fit in better though.)
fuck. need some sleep. will continue this crap later.
OMG!!!!!!!!!! O_O
at last!
fucking internet!
i have it!
i really should learn to say no with a really large field of denial and refuses emitted.
thank god those guys can sing.
fuck. i even have to set standards and expectations to the lowest possible level just so i can go through this without snapping.
and seriously, i can't fucking stress how much i don't care about him.
for fucking fuck sake, stop being such an asshole by boasting things.
i really has been a while since i met arabs that actually have a fucking future and SPEAK ENGLISH.
please la.
shut the fuck up.
and i really hate it when i have to delay my postings.
just when i thought of something significant, i won't get the chance to get online and when i do have it, i just can't fucking remember them and that's just fucking ANNOYING.
fucking internet!
i have it!
i really should learn to say no with a really large field of denial and refuses emitted.
thank god those guys can sing.
fuck. i even have to set standards and expectations to the lowest possible level just so i can go through this without snapping.
and seriously, i can't fucking stress how much i don't care about him.
for fucking fuck sake, stop being such an asshole by boasting things.
i really has been a while since i met arabs that actually have a fucking future and SPEAK ENGLISH.
please la.
shut the fuck up.
and i really hate it when i have to delay my postings.
just when i thought of something significant, i won't get the chance to get online and when i do have it, i just can't fucking remember them and that's just fucking ANNOYING.
gullible gulliver
sense?
non! (not like he is. i don't even know any of his adventure except the giant island and the lil peep island.)
but gullible? yea. i am one.
be a little bit nice to me and i would anything you're selling. even crappy craps.
still hate romansa though. fucking 2 hours wait just for a plate of fried rice and some other tasteless crap that made me wonder why did i even order them in the first place.
heck, why did i even go there when i could just walk a little bit more and get to taste a more satisfying snack.
what a way to destroy the meal of the day. (literally. haven't had any since 2 hours before yesterday's 12am. wait... that sounds wrong. i mean, grammatically wrong. wutever. -_-)
it's amazing how i can forget about something and then remembered it later in another useless moment.
speaking about timing.
fun things are harder to remember than the shitty ones.
like, how i can remember about how boring my life is, how slow the internet was, how late my allowance came in, how my rig getting busted so easily, how annoying certain people is, how packed my days are, how assignments gets so time demanding, ho-
ARGGHHH!!!! the nerves...
all that without even comparing to others!
ok. maybe i'm not really the appreciative kinda guy.
and i hate candid, verbal jokes because it always lose the funny factor when she ask me to repeat them for her.
or it was just me not really good at telling jokes.
non! (not like he is. i don't even know any of his adventure except the giant island and the lil peep island.)
but gullible? yea. i am one.
be a little bit nice to me and i would anything you're selling. even crappy craps.
still hate romansa though. fucking 2 hours wait just for a plate of fried rice and some other tasteless crap that made me wonder why did i even order them in the first place.
heck, why did i even go there when i could just walk a little bit more and get to taste a more satisfying snack.
what a way to destroy the meal of the day. (literally. haven't had any since 2 hours before yesterday's 12am. wait... that sounds wrong. i mean, grammatically wrong. wutever. -_-)
it's amazing how i can forget about something and then remembered it later in another useless moment.
speaking about timing.
fun things are harder to remember than the shitty ones.
like, how i can remember about how boring my life is, how slow the internet was, how late my allowance came in, how my rig getting busted so easily, how annoying certain people is, how packed my days are, how assignments gets so time demanding, ho-
ARGGHHH!!!! the nerves...
all that without even comparing to others!
ok. maybe i'm not really the appreciative kinda guy.
and i hate candid, verbal jokes because it always lose the funny factor when she ask me to repeat them for her.
or it was just me not really good at telling jokes.
fucking expectations pissing me off!!!
it's already may.
assignments keep coming. (ok. not really. it's more like, rotting at the side of my desk waiting to be finished while deadlines looming and haunting me like some motherfucking nightmares.)
the flags were done and being the mascot guy sure was fun until you saw the vids and pics of you goofing around, looking stupid.
i am somewhat hating sports right now.
fine, we won, but i didn't get to contribute any medals and that is just plain DEPRESSING...
"why the fuck did i stop?"
"why can't i go faster?"
"why didn't i run harder?"
"why didn't i train?"
"why this?"
"why that?"
"wh-
FUCK IT
what's done is done and it's either i try better next time or avoid it all-together.
and sorry for being such an ass, chief editor.
yes. one of the 3 reasons i don't feel like taking part in any of the meetings you've made is i just don't really adore your face.
.
.
.
.
wait...
it isn' about you at all ma'am. it's just-
WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CUTE GIRLS IN THE CLUB!!!!!!!!!!
go recruit some and i'll be gladly pouring out my ideas just for the illusions of having any chance to go inside their/her pants.
speaking of cute girls,
WHY THE FUCK DID I IGNORE THEM????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!
ALL OF THEM WERE THERE JUST WAITING FOR ME T-
*MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM*
(that's a muffling sound there. a frustrated, angry one.)
all these while i've always thought life couldn't be any harder with my desktop busted but NO.
my fucking internet just chose to offline in the middle of my fucking assignment weeks.
TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
sial...
parents are always everyone's specials. (except those with fucked up ones.)
try to appreciate them more, me.
like, calling them once a week, at least?
is it THAT hard to do?
(of course not only that. you(me) still have exams and things. they do EXPECT something out of you(me).)
*sigh*
wow.
my life sure sucks.
umm... maybe that's an overstatement there.
it just looks like it sucks.
sounds like it sucks.
it's not. really. ok? (doubt i would ever get it.)
wish i could learn to post nice things.
and pictures.
ughh... i hate taking pics.
.
.
.
that's a lie.
i just hate keeping them.
assignments keep coming. (ok. not really. it's more like, rotting at the side of my desk waiting to be finished while deadlines looming and haunting me like some motherfucking nightmares.)
the flags were done and being the mascot guy sure was fun until you saw the vids and pics of you goofing around, looking stupid.
i am somewhat hating sports right now.
fine, we won, but i didn't get to contribute any medals and that is just plain DEPRESSING...
"why the fuck did i stop?"
"why can't i go faster?"
"why didn't i run harder?"
"why didn't i train?"
"why this?"
"why that?"
"wh-
FUCK IT
what's done is done and it's either i try better next time or avoid it all-together.
and sorry for being such an ass, chief editor.
yes. one of the 3 reasons i don't feel like taking part in any of the meetings you've made is i just don't really adore your face.
.
.
.
.
wait...
it isn' about you at all ma'am. it's just-
WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CUTE GIRLS IN THE CLUB!!!!!!!!!!
go recruit some and i'll be gladly pouring out my ideas just for the illusions of having any chance to go inside their/her pants.
speaking of cute girls,
WHY THE FUCK DID I IGNORE THEM????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!
ALL OF THEM WERE THERE JUST WAITING FOR ME T-
*MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM*
(that's a muffling sound there. a frustrated, angry one.)
all these while i've always thought life couldn't be any harder with my desktop busted but NO.
my fucking internet just chose to offline in the middle of my fucking assignment weeks.
TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI TAMER BABI!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
sial...
parents are always everyone's specials. (except those with fucked up ones.)
try to appreciate them more, me.
like, calling them once a week, at least?
is it THAT hard to do?
(of course not only that. you(me) still have exams and things. they do EXPECT something out of you(me).)
*sigh*
wow.
my life sure sucks.
umm... maybe that's an overstatement there.
it just looks like it sucks.
sounds like it sucks.
it's not. really. ok? (doubt i would ever get it.)
wish i could learn to post nice things.
and pictures.
ughh... i hate taking pics.
.
.
.
that's a lie.
i just hate keeping them.
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