don't call me a fool

i love her

well, that's been awhile.

i can't (don't want to) remember how long it was since the last time i was actually in love and involved. i even didn't stumbled out names. thank god for that!

remember when i said, "follow the flow"? right now, i don't know if i want to let her go if things went downhill. frankly, i want to be the overly-attached-boyfriend if it means i won't have to lose her but i think there is an "ex" somewhere in there.
HAH!
of course there's no overly-attached-exboyfriend. it's either she's my girlfriend or she's in my basement.
too bad i don't have a basement to keep my previous failures in.

but seriously, i can't take my mind off her.
it's been so long since my ah fuck it! like it matters in anyway.
everytime i see her whether in skype or in classes or in front of her house or wherever i end up stalking her, i felt my head goes fuzzy and my heart throbbing.
her cute smiles cheer up my day.
her banters interest me in everyway.
her absence makes me anxious.
her jokes are weird but i still find them funny.
her arguments are worth looking into no matter how trivial they seem.
her eyes are always seem lazy.
her body is fucking sexy.
and her cooking are AWESOME.

i don't know if i want to think this as a casual fling anymore.
when she said her ex proposed to her, i felt afraid.
when she accidentally said someones name, i felt afraid.
when she goes talking to her many guyfriends, i felt afraid.
i know that's just how she is. it's just her past that she can't help but to keep them.
i know that she loves me.
i trust her.
i trust her.

but i just hate that feeling that she might betray that trust.
when i she jokes about her having another man somewhere else, it angers me.
when i thought she might still be considering her ex's proposal, it angers me.
when she ignores me in skype, it angers me.
when she talks to her guyfriends, it angers me.
fuck...

but even after all that, i still miss her.



damn i'm clingy...

okay...

this is weird.
we did somehow fucked.
if you count a quarter penetration.

we had fun! we had fun from the beginning of the trip till the very end.
we knew a lot about each other.
at least i knew something i her.
i think.

but still, i don't know if there's gonna be any real relationship.
it's like, she would rather die than having me as a husband. not that i'm seeing any possibility in it.
i mean, she couldn't even joke about it!

in the end, i think i've been somewhat friendzoned? something like, "stay friends with benefit".
she do want my company, my physical presence, our intimacy.
she just don't like the idea of us being together for real, for her lifetime, something serious.
personally, i'm okay with it.
she can do whatever she wants, as in, she wants to be friend with other guys? sure!
she wants to marry somebody else? don't forget to invite me.


well, fuck. to not make this sounds like condescending or passive-aggressive is hard.
i mean, i'm okay being a backup plan. it's not like i'm being drained of my money/time/energy for nothing.
since i'm sure this isn't going to be serious, there's no use in being jealous.
i just hate the thought of her meeting somebody better than me.
not like, "dia lagi baik/alim/soleh/kaya".
something like, bigger dick/better looks/taller.

 eh, it will go away, dat feel.

oh well, maybe i'm being rejected again, maybe i've just dodged a bullet/shackle.
whatever. as long she's happy and i'm not hurt all that much.
what? i still like her. just not the same kind of like as before.