okay...

this is weird.
we did somehow fucked.
if you count a quarter penetration.

we had fun! we had fun from the beginning of the trip till the very end.
we knew a lot about each other.
at least i knew something i her.
i think.

but still, i don't know if there's gonna be any real relationship.
it's like, she would rather die than having me as a husband. not that i'm seeing any possibility in it.
i mean, she couldn't even joke about it!

in the end, i think i've been somewhat friendzoned? something like, "stay friends with benefit".
she do want my company, my physical presence, our intimacy.
she just don't like the idea of us being together for real, for her lifetime, something serious.
personally, i'm okay with it.
she can do whatever she wants, as in, she wants to be friend with other guys? sure!
she wants to marry somebody else? don't forget to invite me.


well, fuck. to not make this sounds like condescending or passive-aggressive is hard.
i mean, i'm okay being a backup plan. it's not like i'm being drained of my money/time/energy for nothing.
since i'm sure this isn't going to be serious, there's no use in being jealous.
i just hate the thought of her meeting somebody better than me.
not like, "dia lagi baik/alim/soleh/kaya".
something like, bigger dick/better looks/taller.

 eh, it will go away, dat feel.

oh well, maybe i'm being rejected again, maybe i've just dodged a bullet/shackle.
whatever. as long she's happy and i'm not hurt all that much.
what? i still like her. just not the same kind of like as before.