I don't think i would want wings

Who am i kidding?!
Fuck yeah! Wings!

Instead of sitting here writing some rants, i could've just fly around up above the sea, spreading my wings surfing the winds.

I wonder what it would be like to rush through clouds, diving down and swirl back up!

Fuck, i don't need wings!
Gimme a broom and some magics!

That reminds me of my childhood.
Rowling pretty much ruined my it. I waited for those letters to come!
But of course, I'm not a British citizen...

That aside, i don't know if i would actually fly if i ever have one. I mean, i can't stop thinking what would happen if i cramped mid flight. How to land? Changing course?
If learning to wing it is as same as learning to ride, I'd better have immortality too. Fast regeneration and what not.

Maybe someday I'll learn how to ride a kite.

Now i realize, I've kinda spent most of my life waiting for the impossibles.
Want to know how i went through my boarding school? The thing that kept me going and living?
The thought/fantasy that someday, some female robot would come and give me some technologically advanced watch or implant, download herself into that and be my jarvis, with the ability to manipulate space and physic.
Some other time i imagined a puteri bunian came into my dream, proposed and I'll get all the perks of having a magical wife.
On a more, upsetting time, having some succubus sucking my life away or makes me her personal demonic slave is enough to purge my despair.

There's a time where i just read through the Qoran at the back of the surau.....

Thinking back, i only run from conflicts...
Pathetic!

I think, the moment i register myself at langkawi by myself, that's when i think,

"screw the world"

My head was clear but there's nothing left for motivation.
I just deal with shits and man up.
Half of the time...
My self worth was pretty shit too.
Until i meet, people.
I realise, being selfish and having high self regard is the only way to go through most of life.
Being responsible to myself.
Having my own pride and honour.

Ah well. Time for class.

judgmental hypocrite

...

i realized i'm the kind of guy that blame a girl wears for them being molested. not realizing it's the pervert's hands that should be burned.
stone a girl to death for being raped. not cutting off the rapist dicks and balls and ridicule him for the rest of his life.

of course, being a hypocrite, i couldn't bring myself to write all the wrong things that happened in this world because in this particular post, i'm relating myself to these pricks.
it hurts my pride to do so.
said the hypocrite...

and it's weird and seems inappropriate for this to come out of a judgmental, presumptuous douche, not all of these rapist and perverts are what they are.
to be falsely accused of such crimes is disheartening.
to be freed from such accusations warrants all the thanks and prayers such people could muster.
i was one of these people. in a way...
nothing serious.
but still, i could relate.

fuck!

i don't know where i'm getting at with this...
i'm just saying, for somebody who aren't really perfect in the way he is living,
for somebody with a not so right moral compass,
with a flawed thinking,
tainted,
i don't really have the right to judge people so and so.
i am not the witness.
i am not the judge.
i am neither the plaintiff nor the defendant.
i am just a nosy random who have nothing better to do.
am i?
am i saying it's non of my business?
mestilah tak, kan?
i have the rights to act however i want or need i accord to whatever the outcome of it.
the truth.
and of course, i am one of the player of the act.
am i the victim or the culprit? do i have multiple role as both? who decides who to be which?
i don't know anymore...
i should just stop beating around the bushes with these, analogies.
i never even stepped in a court...

this conflicts me.
i can feel how she really loves me.
but yet, she seeks other guys attention.
am i not giving enough?
is she not grateful enough?
why can't she just push him aside?
why must she leads that guy around?
why must she drags her past with her?
why am i feeling burdened by all these?
is just me being jealous?
or is it just me being a coward?
should i do something about it?
or i'm just over-reacting?
should i burn them? burn her?
or burn myself?

even my thinking is conflicting.

"should i tell the guy off?"
"buat apa? ain cantik, mesti lah dia terpikat! kau pun mesti cuba nak cucuk jarum kalau jadi dia."
"but if i knew she is already in a relationship, i wouldn't. that dude clearly knows i am hers."
"ya! bakar!!!"
"relax... dealing with the consequences would be tiresome. besides, she clearly loves you. what to worry? just keep loving her."
"yakin? kalau betul dia sayangkan kau, kenapa dia masih lagi layan mamat tu? kenapa tak ketepikan je barang yang dia kasi. letak telefon tengah tengah malam, buang message dia."
"are you implying that she do like the attention the guy gives her? that she somehow, somewhat like him?"
"iye la! dia tak bagitau pun yang dia tunang orang. yet, dia just goes on in a relationship dengan kau. kenapa tak putuskan tunang je kalau dia betul betul nak kan kau?"
"that is just her... she isn't the kind of girl to just sweep away people without any hint of politeness. and the dude just misunderstand the good gesture. like you never have before. she is not you, sir simple straightarrow."
"polite? dia boleh suka hati ketepikan kau bila kau salah cakap. kenapa dia tak boleh ketepikan je mamat tu? atau memang dia nak buat kau backup kalau kalau lepas kahwin dengan tunang dia, tunang dia curang, dan mamat tu pulak backup kalau kalau kau yang lingkup. atau kau sama je taraf dengan mamat tu, dan kawan kawan lelaki dia yang lain."
"now you're just being pathetic... she did push him away. the dude just didn't get it. she could have pushed harder but let her do it herself."
"ingat senang senang je ke kau tetiba tidur satu malam dengan perempuan lain, cium peluk apa semua kalau perempuan tu tak pimpin kau sampai ke situ, sendiri ikut sampai ke situ?"
"and you think it's really easy to confess that you've barely cheated to your partner? note, barely. she remembers you and the thought of you is enough to make her defend her honor. she might be just stupid to think every guy is trustworthy but don't you think that she might have learned her lesson?"
"ingat kau rasional?"
"people make mistakes. hers wasn't really that bad. it's dumb, but not overly wrong. unless she do it again or did something particularly bad, then we'll make her pay. or leave her."

of course i'll try to rationalize.
but i couldn't rationalize the act of blaming myself.
heck!
i could blame her for putting herself in such position but i couldn't blame that girl for misleading me into such position too.
well. i did blame the dude too.
i swear if i ever knew who the guy is i would fucking burn his house and beat his mother.
knock him out cold and cut off his balls.
i personally think she is wrong.
some of her doings are just plain silly.
i just hope she will learn.

and if i am wrong,
if i am the silly one,
i hope i will learn.