never, ever,

put porn in your blog.
it attracts referrers and spambots.

i have to delete the only post with something vaguely porn-ish because the mental image of you holding a sign with porn and people masturbating to that sign, or worse, to you, really bothers me.

and how the fuck did screwed up the formatting of some of my old posts?!
shit! the inconsistencies bothers me like herpes!

for archiving purpose, the actual bits of the post,

EDIT 1/4/11:

yeah... about the promised post...

actually, i've been kinda lazy to update things. i don't know. just feel bored of all these typing and all.

or maybe because things haven't been exciting for quite a while. besides that i'm starting to learn to play guitar or felt how an earthquake would be like.

seems like something right? frankly, i just felt tired commenting everything that had happened in life.

most of them would just keep repeating itself. given enough time and lack of intervention.

i may be to be blamed for not doing something about them but i just don't find the motivation to do that something. for now, i don't find the needs to. or the wants to. or whatever.

hey!

i won't abandon you dia-chan. i'll just see you lesser than before.

just like everything has.

END OF EDIT


now back to my last-minute-study!
implying it matters...

you're a sick fuck, fink.

it's been bothering me so much, i can't take it anymore.
rationally, i should have talked about this with an actual human being.
talking to her comes first in my head but after that screw up i did to her (which i'll save for another time), and seeing how negatively she view the act itself, common sense dictate it's better to not to.
not with her.
especially her.
at least not now...

and the nature of the matter deems that no one else i could go to without being branded, verbally or literally.
yet i need to work this out before it affects my ability to focus on matter with more priority.


i miss crave having mine in her.
that feeling when her flesh wraps mine. firmly.
when my skin met her soft, smooth wrap. beautiful as her face and figure.
when my body pound her frame. petite but voluptuous.
when pounds cause frictions. those textures.
when frictions build lust. sinfully sweet.
when she moans. urging my manhood.
when she clenches. grasping my sanity.
when time flew as i go on and on and on and on and on.
when the excitement peaks. towering above all.
when my essence seeps. with the force of a thousand suns.
when the world means nothing. nothing but her.
when i want her. badly.

if her ass could bring these much pleasure, imagine how much her pussy could bring...

i crave her

i knew i shouldn't have done it.
i wouldn't if i knew i'll never going to get it for a long time.
but it doesn't matter now.
i have no regret.

there are time where i could force it on her.
force it into her...
but i can't bring myself to do it.
i can't even bring myself to think about it. much.
she would cry because of the pain, searing.
she would hate because of her honor, violated.
she would regret because of her trust, misplaced.

she would not love me anymore.
i could not bear the thought of it happening.

"realize this, she is so much more."
"her beauty are not for your lust alone."
"her beauty inspires and motivates. it forces you to move and make it worthwhile."
"her voice are not for satisfying your erotic fantasy."
"her voice could calm, comfort, cheer, remind, advice. it gives order to your chaos.
"her personality are not for you to exploit for satisfying perverted selfishness."
"her personality are stars, decorating your dull, grey, empty sky. it completes your life."
"remember that you love her."

i'll tell myself that.

to be content in the next episode

i tend to forget how greedy i could be at times.

and worse, i want more of the wrong things.
well, not the kind of wrong as in, bad things.
what i meant is, not focusing to be greedy on better things.
heck, i may want a totally different things instead.

the grass is greener on the other side
who wouldn't wish for a better lawn?
hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik negeri sendiri
apa bodoh? emas kot!

of course, not everything is grass and gold.


and speaking of  "better", i should appreciate the present more than worrying too much for a better future or wishing it could be better in the past.
at least the former has some benefits to it.

instead of being involved and interact more with what i have right now, i would waste my time wondering what i would do to be cool or pondering how it would be cool if i had done it.
heck, i could spend a whole day daydreaming about something i could never have, would never be, should never do, even if i tried for another lifetime.
jangan la cakap camtu. boleh kalau cuba.
boleh kalau aku nak sayap?

problem is all these happens only in my head.
i mean, those daydreams.
always have a problem grasping something abstract.
something not solid.
illusions.
and the pessimist in me would convince my self that all those are fantasies.
i felt deluded.

i could never be that good.
i could try. i would try.
sure, i don't have the talent to be one.
but i still could still feel a fraction of being the awesome guy.
i want to...

and don't get me started with "if i had done that...".
"if i had met her earlier,"
"if i had study harder,"
"if i had a billion dollar,"
"if i had wings,"

i think i've been doing that the most.
it's this that usually get me all depressed.
it's this that makes me want to travel through time.
all those second chances and second, second chances.
all those opportunities i have missed..
all those guilt i could have had forgiven...
all those regret....

at the end of the day, it just brings everything down to tasteless.
boring and plain uninteresting.
makes me want to forget.

but it's not all bad. not that bad at least.
most of these gave me motivations and drives to change.
well, they helped in starting out but just not enough to maintain them.
they helped me learn a bit of guitar,
a bit of swimming,
a bit of baking,
a bit of cooking potatoes and eggs,
a bit of good food,
a bit of gardening,
a bit of dancing,

a bit of life.


meh.
i'll do what i want!
who cares?

right?

sore loser

i might have been exaggerating that a bit.

but seriously, what the fuck?

i have a compulsory presentation the next morning,
it's 10 pm,
nothing done,

and i'm stalking a dude's blog.
fucking scrutinize every bit of his post,
looking in the comment section just for something,
anything that could give me a peek of her past story.
her story which have already been history.

the fact that i'm rummaging through her past isn't that disturbing (how i get to it is for later).
i'm literally viewing every post of both of his blogs.
no offense but reading entries of bahasa melayu poems is something i think only a sadist would do.
sure i'm a bit of a sadist but this is a WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF TORMENT.
it's a personal preference though. not that i have anything against anybody who actually love reading them.
thank god he used proper bahasa melayu and thanks to cryptic poetry, i could manage through them rather, uncaringly.

anyway,
he's alright.
atleast seems like it.
whatever happens back then with her is his to keep.
hell, if i hadn't do this little excursion into somebody's life, if i had met him while hiking or something, we could be friends.
he seems not the kind of guy that could be fun to hang around but if you're stuck with him somewhere with nothing else to fiddle with, he could be a good talk.
i mean, i could never ever bring myself to write poems for almost an entire 3 years with 6-7 poems per month average unless i was really into a roleplaying online game.
and he did that just by living his life!
i bet it would hurt my pessimist/semi-realist head but it could be an interesting experience.
i think.

haha
ain would totally kill me for judging this guy like this.


but it frightens me a bit.
actually, it saddens me, a bit.
they seem to have a pretty good time.
they had fun.
she had fun.
it's sad to think that she probably associate bad feelings with all that memories.


ain,
if you ever read this entry,
i don't what your take on what's yours,
i know it's non of my business,
but,
cherish everything.


and as for me,
okay, i may say i was frightened.
insecure.
both of them had many things in common.
somehow he screwed up somewhere along the way.
and i couldn't find his screw-ups.
i'm afraid it could happen-
i mean, what's stopping me from screwing up the same way as he had?

but then i realized,
sure in his time with her, they had their quirks.
and it looks like what i'm having now seems to follow the same pattern.
it took me a while to realize the same pattern may have different color.
not just color, what fabric the whole thing is on, the style, the order..
that bit of details change how the whole piece would look like.
so, about how he fare compared to me,

like i give a fuck who he is.
i get to have memories with her now. 



and knowing how he looks like makes me feel better!
fuck i'm a superficial douche...


talking about being a douche,
i've been a pretty big douche towards my family.
"takpe mak abang janji tahun ni abang balik."
tak balik pun...

i want to blame it on these 2 guys.
apparently, these 2 dumbasses is the cause that the surgery repeat exam have to be taken on 1st september.
good job you too!
you've just made two people missed their child even more.
they have to go through another hari raya without their eldest son for another year.

but really,
siapa suruh repeat???
buat elok-elok lepas ni.



meh,
dah plan nak amik cuti extra seminggu dah pun hari raya haji nanti.

look at the bright side, i'll get to take care of my own ginger beer!
and holidays before exams never did me good.

but shit still sucks!
i miss my family...
the only thing that makes me want to fall in with the plan is ain too, want to go back during eid al adha.
if she bailed on that,
she'll suffer...


anyway,
that's that,
back to doing assignment...

ergkh...