sore loser

i might have been exaggerating that a bit.

but seriously, what the fuck?

i have a compulsory presentation the next morning,
it's 10 pm,
nothing done,

and i'm stalking a dude's blog.
fucking scrutinize every bit of his post,
looking in the comment section just for something,
anything that could give me a peek of her past story.
her story which have already been history.

the fact that i'm rummaging through her past isn't that disturbing (how i get to it is for later).
i'm literally viewing every post of both of his blogs.
no offense but reading entries of bahasa melayu poems is something i think only a sadist would do.
sure i'm a bit of a sadist but this is a WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF TORMENT.
it's a personal preference though. not that i have anything against anybody who actually love reading them.
thank god he used proper bahasa melayu and thanks to cryptic poetry, i could manage through them rather, uncaringly.

anyway,
he's alright.
atleast seems like it.
whatever happens back then with her is his to keep.
hell, if i hadn't do this little excursion into somebody's life, if i had met him while hiking or something, we could be friends.
he seems not the kind of guy that could be fun to hang around but if you're stuck with him somewhere with nothing else to fiddle with, he could be a good talk.
i mean, i could never ever bring myself to write poems for almost an entire 3 years with 6-7 poems per month average unless i was really into a roleplaying online game.
and he did that just by living his life!
i bet it would hurt my pessimist/semi-realist head but it could be an interesting experience.
i think.

haha
ain would totally kill me for judging this guy like this.


but it frightens me a bit.
actually, it saddens me, a bit.
they seem to have a pretty good time.
they had fun.
she had fun.
it's sad to think that she probably associate bad feelings with all that memories.


ain,
if you ever read this entry,
i don't what your take on what's yours,
i know it's non of my business,
but,
cherish everything.


and as for me,
okay, i may say i was frightened.
insecure.
both of them had many things in common.
somehow he screwed up somewhere along the way.
and i couldn't find his screw-ups.
i'm afraid it could happen-
i mean, what's stopping me from screwing up the same way as he had?

but then i realized,
sure in his time with her, they had their quirks.
and it looks like what i'm having now seems to follow the same pattern.
it took me a while to realize the same pattern may have different color.
not just color, what fabric the whole thing is on, the style, the order..
that bit of details change how the whole piece would look like.
so, about how he fare compared to me,

like i give a fuck who he is.
i get to have memories with her now. 



and knowing how he looks like makes me feel better!
fuck i'm a superficial douche...


talking about being a douche,
i've been a pretty big douche towards my family.
"takpe mak abang janji tahun ni abang balik."
tak balik pun...

i want to blame it on these 2 guys.
apparently, these 2 dumbasses is the cause that the surgery repeat exam have to be taken on 1st september.
good job you too!
you've just made two people missed their child even more.
they have to go through another hari raya without their eldest son for another year.

but really,
siapa suruh repeat???
buat elok-elok lepas ni.



meh,
dah plan nak amik cuti extra seminggu dah pun hari raya haji nanti.

look at the bright side, i'll get to take care of my own ginger beer!
and holidays before exams never did me good.

but shit still sucks!
i miss my family...
the only thing that makes me want to fall in with the plan is ain too, want to go back during eid al adha.
if she bailed on that,
she'll suffer...


anyway,
that's that,
back to doing assignment...

ergkh...