this ain't easy as it's supposed to be

and she's definitely not making this any easier!
fuck!

what's up with this sudden ex-boyfriend appearance?
i totally don't remember anything about signing up for any reality drama.

all i want is just a cute girl, totally in tune with my brainwave, hitching a ride on the same thought train, willing to take me as who i am, and ready to watch me growing up as a human being.

but now i'm dealing with a cute girl, in tune, same train (i didn't really mind from which airport she took her flight. well, i may be bothered a bit on how she spends the night at that airport but flights get delayed all the time, right?), accepting most part of me but maybe my crude sense of humor and my total unwillingness or lack of self will to abstain from perverseness, and somehow, dragging her past, expecting me wait for her to catch up.

i can wait but i strongly prefer not to.
i just hope she don't take too much effort with her trailing burden and maybe,
realize that all those loads are just
not
worth
it.


heck, even now, i've been caught up with her past already.
why am i moving out of my way, standing by, slowing my pace (truth to be told, it's more like, picking up speed)?
because i love her.
i love her


I love you, Ain.


i would be lying if i say i can't live without her but it would break me if i were to give her up.

when it comes to relationships,
i'm all for "no pressure".
i'm not going to force her to choose between her ex-boyfriend or me right there and then.
i trust her to just make the right choice on her own and focus on what's in it for the both of us ahead.
but circumstances foresee that pressure seems needed.

i mean, what's so hard with saying outright, "jangan kacau saya lagi boleh tak?".
heck, a restraining order seems like a good idea even!
don't want it to end up sour? add, "kita boleh je stay kawan, kan?".
why do you need to drag this out?
talk about anything with him. the weather? the sky? the bird? the plane? man of steel in 3d?
just don't talk about things like if he wants to wait for you till the end of time or how strongly he feels about you coming back to him.
why do you still carry on the conversation when he brings up about rekindling your long past romance?

tak fikir langsung ke tentang hati orang yang awak sayang sekarang?


and no, i won't tell him to back off or what not.
he didn't do anything wrong to me.
yet.
(profanities ahead!!!)

fuck i swear i just want to tie him up, beat him up good with a spiky silver 6-inches dildo, stuff the dildo in him, fuck your butt in front of him (tenderly, with love and lots of cherry-scented lube), then fuck his butt (with triple layers of condoms, washed clean of the lube, drenched in hate, spite and spit), then keep him around in an air-conditioned basement flooded with your period, we get married and i'll take your virginity right in from of him.
and maybe make him drink his tears mixed with my piss, then make him listen to a recording of me saying, "eat shit, dipshit!", while feeding him shit with his own shitty toothbrush.
then untie him, tidy him up a bit, brush off some dust,
and finally bid him fuck-off.

but of course that's barbaric and just plain rude.

things like these make my life shorter.