to be content in the next episode

i tend to forget how greedy i could be at times.

and worse, i want more of the wrong things.
well, not the kind of wrong as in, bad things.
what i meant is, not focusing to be greedy on better things.
heck, i may want a totally different things instead.

the grass is greener on the other side
who wouldn't wish for a better lawn?
hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik negeri sendiri
apa bodoh? emas kot!

of course, not everything is grass and gold.


and speaking of  "better", i should appreciate the present more than worrying too much for a better future or wishing it could be better in the past.
at least the former has some benefits to it.

instead of being involved and interact more with what i have right now, i would waste my time wondering what i would do to be cool or pondering how it would be cool if i had done it.
heck, i could spend a whole day daydreaming about something i could never have, would never be, should never do, even if i tried for another lifetime.
jangan la cakap camtu. boleh kalau cuba.
boleh kalau aku nak sayap?

problem is all these happens only in my head.
i mean, those daydreams.
always have a problem grasping something abstract.
something not solid.
illusions.
and the pessimist in me would convince my self that all those are fantasies.
i felt deluded.

i could never be that good.
i could try. i would try.
sure, i don't have the talent to be one.
but i still could still feel a fraction of being the awesome guy.
i want to...

and don't get me started with "if i had done that...".
"if i had met her earlier,"
"if i had study harder,"
"if i had a billion dollar,"
"if i had wings,"

i think i've been doing that the most.
it's this that usually get me all depressed.
it's this that makes me want to travel through time.
all those second chances and second, second chances.
all those opportunities i have missed..
all those guilt i could have had forgiven...
all those regret....

at the end of the day, it just brings everything down to tasteless.
boring and plain uninteresting.
makes me want to forget.

but it's not all bad. not that bad at least.
most of these gave me motivations and drives to change.
well, they helped in starting out but just not enough to maintain them.
they helped me learn a bit of guitar,
a bit of swimming,
a bit of baking,
a bit of cooking potatoes and eggs,
a bit of good food,
a bit of gardening,
a bit of dancing,

a bit of life.


meh.
i'll do what i want!
who cares?

right?