socially awkward zombie

i do have problem in expressing myself. blame it on 17 years of low self esteem.
i always hesitating when it comes to care about others and pouring my heart out.
i do want people to know what is in my thought but i tend to get picky in who would get to hear it.
want them to comment on it, judge it, give opinions but yet, i'm afraid of negative feedbacks.
yes.
i admit i do afraid of criticism.
that's why i stop updating my facebook status.
tend to disable commenting from time to time.
always the same paranoia.

caring others.
i've stopped doing that since 4 years 7 years ago. (sry. i'm really bad with age counting.)
it's all because i wanted to better my self esteem.
i wanted to stop looking down at my own self.
then it came through,
"stop caring what other people think about you, baka."
someone told me.
i've tried but it was really hard when you were living in a place peer-pressure is... pressuring.
though not having that many friends does lessen the burden.
yet it was still hard.
over time my adolescent mind started to misinterpret the advise.
i chopped it down till it became this,
"stop caring others."

i find it much easier.
SO much easier.

initially, it was really an innocent misunderstanding.
i just ignore people.
i will be kind to those who were kind to me.
i leave them alone with their own problem.
none of my business.

yet the world isn't all about me.
some of them started to reject me.
by me, not my existence.
they don't really like my idea. it wasn't like i force it on them anyway.
i wouldn't mind if they too, ignore me. (see, i always believed that the world would treat me the i treat her. turns out it wasn't just me living in her.)
no. they forced me with theirs.
foreseeing a losing argument, i surrender.
bad news, i'm a sore loser. though i know better than to fight the world.
here is the mistake, i PRETEND to ACCEPT theirs and at the same time, despise them for it.
the irony!

all those pretendings have taught me to adapt. thanks to that, i can mix with people well.
getting socially involved, my self esteem rose.
so is my ego.
i learned to manipulate. i started to be a hypocrite.

now i rarely look down at myself, blaming all the time.
mission accomplished!
but there is a flaw. i'm still socially awkward.
remember how i don't care about others?
turns out it wasn't that that helped.
it was my good looks all the time.

explanation:
being adaptable does help in social situations.
but i realized, majority of my social interactions weren't initiated by me.
it were by curious people who were attracted either to my looks or my lone, mysterious presence.
or just through the responsibilities (classmate, coursemate, works, etc.) i picked up along the way.
and things explained by itself.

wow. that sure does relief my chest a lil bit. (and thank god for not shutting my laptop halfway.)

ok dia-chan. you must have been thinking,
why do i bother bring this up?
here goes,
"HOW THE HELL DO I APPROACH HER????!!!!!!"

who? KIRA la.
and yes. saje letak kat tag so whenever she ever tried google her name, this came out.
like she knows who am i anyway. :P
suddenly, i lose interes-
nevermind.