you know what, these few days, i realized i've been regressing myself back into the self-loathing, self-isolating me.
i don't know why but life has been SO irritating that i just don't care anymore.
great news! it's exam week next week.
i am so in need of motivation and what my mind could think of is girls.
no. it's not about lust.
not about love either.
i just need one girl i could admire.
sounds easy. just choose and stalk somebody then!
NOT.
not this time though. i can't accept to just settle with that.
i want a more... closer relationship/interaction/whatever.
ok. here is how to describe it.
from what i could conjure from past visual and actual observations (tv, people near me, self experience etc.), i could safely (more like, 'politically correct') describe this, person, that i want as a female best friend.
something much closer than friends. maybe a little deeper as in a girlfriend but non of the romance element (a little bit teasing and flirting would still be nice though).
more like, trust and understanding.
and maybe a good sense of humor. (what the hell? beggars can't be choosers!)
i just want that.
it isn't like i don't want an actual girlfriend.
it's just, having friends is actually tolling enough to my non-committing heart.
having to bond emotionally to this one supposedly-special girl would really suck out almost all of my will to live. (not to mention the chained freedom)
i admit that sounds so irresponsible and immature.
call me childish but if i can choose not to have any responsibilities in this life, even at the cost of any kind of credibility or some sort (my vocab failed me here, sorry), i'll take the offer.
life would be so awesome if i could stuck being a 12 years old forever.
everything is so innocent. so carefree. no hidden purposes. no stressful workload (except some homeworks of course), no burdening responsibilities.
just the world and fantasies.
world and fantasies...
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