death is scary. so is loneliness

it has been 3 days that ive been having these, nightmare of being killed and then my souls been ripped from my body but hell no, i aint going anywhere but just stood there looking at my own blasted/hanging/mutilated body.

well, ure suppose to wake up at even the tinniest moment of fear/pain right? ok, maybe not the tinniest bit but wtf man?! ur like, fukken dead! i was supposed to wake up! but nope.

during my ghost moment, sumhow, i feel like i could walk around do things that i WANT to do. yeah. lucid dream. the dream of dreamers. but it is actually a nightmare.
yes i can control my body but the fact (in those dreams) that I AM DEAD was really bothering me.

ever watch the movie "Awake"? it feels like that except that the fact that u r already dead and u cant do anything about that. some might think like "Oh gawd cool! ill be the most badass poltergeist ever exist! damn world, u r wrong for leaving me stuck like this" but no. i can see those people in my dreams but i cant do anything to them. ill just go thru them like mist.

at that time, i feel like there is no purpose for me to linger in this world but why the fuck must i still exist here? yes i can see people fuck and all but because im dead, i dont have the means to do so right? its like, im stuck wif porn but have no chance of actually doing them and stuck fapping by myself till god knows how long. sucks eh?

and then i started thinking things like cant go hungry, cant get all sakit perut, wont age but dont have anyone to show it to. stay healthy but wif no pruductive things to do, HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD BUT DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO! I CAN STEAL BUT CANT USE THOSE THINGS I STOLE! I FEEL SO ANGRY BECAUSE I CANT DO THINGS NOT BECAUSE I CANT DO THEM BUT THERE IS JUST NO PURPOSE IN DOING SO!

i felt so angry and torn. all those hatred and anguish.

and then comes the worst part.

for being so useless and purposeless yet still exist like that, its normal for me or anyone to think of something to put a reason, albeit rational one in this case, into what am i doing here. but yet, none.

i tried to look for someone else like me but also to no avail.

confused, bewildered.
i cried.
i started to feel my tears and at that exact moment, i woke up.

oh my god. never feel so grateful for being alive. thank god. but woke up during like, 10 am. x subuh...

and that was on the first night. the same goes on on the second night and yesterday's.
normally, a repetition of an event would make it boring or u just feel like "oh that is so yesterday" but no.